I'm having a crisis over a crush over a stranger. Seriously, I pity myself. I despise my own behavior and feelings. It's low. It's miserable. It's sad.
I can't help it, I just act like an addict over love and I feel ugly, I feel unnatractive, I feel dirty. I hate having a body. I hate having a mind. All of my thoughts overwhelm me so much I just feel so exhausted. I feel so guilty over all of my actions and panic is eating me up. And threwing me out and then eating me again and so on.
I don't think I can handle this situation, this state of mind without causing myself actual trouble. It also feels like absolutely anything I do (including nothing) will cause me trouble anyways. I feel so fucked up. Like my life is about to end. I'm just trying to lessen the damage. I'm terrible at this. I suck at being alive. I try and try and try but it's no use. I don't have value enough to feel loved or happy.
It's just how it is. If I was either born insane or just turned into this mess I don't know but maybe it doesn't make a difference anymore. I can't be healed. Mostly because I'd need someone to do it and no one will do the job. No one will access me or care about me. I'm to broken for being able to be seen. This makes me so fucking sad.
I need love. I need love. I need love. I'm drowning in desperation. Idk what to do. It aches.
[3mo?]
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