Diary #2 Reddit

Diary #2

I feel like I'm not supposed to be talking to my best friends. I wish I was writing this in portuguese instead of english but I guess that way no one would read it. 

I have been learning on narcissistic/psychopath behavior to survive. Being selfish, manipulative, ignore people's feelings. I feel like I have been told to act like that my entire life. I never wished to be this way but I have come to a place in time and space where I feel like this is my only choice. 

I live with a mom that sabotages me. All the time. Everything I do. All of my accomplishments come with her touch of destruction. I wish I could I say I'm always expecting for it, but somehow she manages to still surprise me and harm me in ways I would never expect her to. I don't know how she does it. Or why exactly. I have theories but they don't really make sense to me.

I have a huge migraine dear god. I hate migraines.

But that's the whole point, the issue. 

The thing is that I have to make a huge money-wise decision and I have been struggling over what should I do. How much ethic should I keep? How much is it necessary to restrain my selfishness so she won't figure out what I'm doing and therefore delay my healing once more? I'm already aching over my first decision. It feels wrong. I'm scared and kinda desperate. I wanted parents. 

I wanted someone to cuddle me and baby me and say that I am safe, everything will be fine with a soothing voice tone. I wanna babycry to someone while they calm me down. Feels so strange to even talk about it. Why do I not have the privilege to experience parents affection? Love? I feel so abandoned and lonely. I wish I'd just... feel less pain

Literally. My back aches, my head aches, my knee aches, my ankle aches. I just wanna stop feeling pain all the time. My neck hates me at this point. I have been sleeping terribly. I feel too exhausted to even try to be mindful about my friends. Idk what I'm doing. I just wanna rest. I _need_ to rest. But I can't. Not even sleeping I'm able to rest. I need help.

No one will give me.

I'm alone.

I have always been alone.

I don't think that'll ever change. 

:c

[5mo]