Diary #1 Reddit

Diary #1

I don't think anyone will read this, but. I don't know where to interact with people. I feel lonely and scared. I don't know what topics to search for, what to talk about, what social media to use. I feel lost, so goddamn lost in life as a whole. It's like I'm supposed to have been in so many classes that I've missed and I got to a point where I'm about to fail the whole year at school. I feel like I'm 11. Always 11. Like I'm trapped there. There's something about this number that feels odd. 2011 I was about 15 but I still felt like 11. So many of my past doesn't make sense.

Today I have come to the conclusion that my perception of time may have never been linear. I perceive time as a net. Sometimes connected, sometimes with huge gaps, and I can go to many different directions at the same time. It's hard to explain. I feel like I am living my 11 self right now and I'm going back in the past, but also stuck in an endless present, a day that never ends. The hours go as seconds and the seconds pass as days. I feel like my brain is melting. Has it always been like that? Many times in my life I knew my exact future so there's also that. When it happened it felt like a dejavu. Now my future looks blank. As if something's missing. I am confused. My past is all scrumbled like a tiny village after an earthquake. 

I need help. Serious help. I feel like I'm drowning. The kind words of people cannot reach me anymore. They are of no use. I need to be loved, I need an effective help. I need support. I need to have parents, or anyone that truly cares about me. I'm tired of living a life no one's willing to try to save. I cannot risk anything to save myself if I don't have any backup. If I make one mistake I'm dead. There's no insurance.

I'm exhausted of living like this is my last breath every single second of my existance. I can't rest. I can't sleep. I have been crushing my teeth when my eyes close; when they're open. I have been trying to chew on them. It hurts. My spine hurts as if I have been stabbed and the knife had been twisted inside my back. I feel so suffocated that I can't stop pressuring myself into solving this chaos, but I don't know _how_.

And I keep listening that I am worthless and that I'm not doing anything.

I am worthless. 

I am not doing anything.

_Why am I still here?_

I need a break. 

I wanna feel happy again. 

Did I ever feel anything but agony?

Is happiness a real thing?

I can't handle this silent drowning anymore. 

It's starting to crush all the other parts of my body.

I want to scream.

I am alone

I have no hope

I have no help

I need some sleep

Maybe it will be better tomorrow...

Probably not, but what other choice do I have?

[6mo]