I miss having a friend. (Diary #7?) Reddit

I miss having a friend.

It's not like I don't have _any_ friends. I kinda do, I could count them in one hand. My supposed to be best friend for some reason makes me feel lonely. I don't understand. She's the only one that answers me, talks to me, but still. I always feel like she won't be there for me. It's missing something and I can't name it. My other friend that used to talk to me decided to go away. The other ones nearly never talk to me, so I'm left here with a billion thoughts and feelings and not knowing what to do with it. My therapist is busy. She's sick. She's in pain. She has a whole family to take care of and she cannot answer my calls. My mom would never answer my calls, my dad makes me feel lonely the same way my friend does. It just feels weird. And I had a nightmare with him today 

 It was scary af. I didn't have anyone to tell my njghtmare to. I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm hungry. I need some company but I feel like I will never have it. Maybe I should end myself idk. I'm so scared that death isn't the end. I have been dreaming of hell. What is it like? Hell for me is feeling that I'm literally dying. How do you feel you're dying if you're already dead? I wanted to erase my brain. Give it anything else but what's currently in it. I'm so exhausted of life. I'm so sad. I really wanted to have a friend to make me feel less lonely.

[26d]

I think I'm getting delusional (Diary #6?) Reddit

I think I'm getting delusional

I don't know where to write. I used to do it at twitter. I wrote a couple poems, but that was not enough. My anxiety is eating me up like a bug. I can't stop thinking about, not eating anymore, skiping days of meals. I need to stop watching music artists, I need to stop trying to be a celebrity, or a youtuber. This is so millenial vibes, but I can't do anything else. I cannot begin to describe how unimaginably hard is for me to bear the simple idea of trying. I have a bunch of ideas, I try so fucking hard, but I have to forget about them, because they will hurt like hell. Nothing can compare to the pain of hating to be alive. I rather break a bone, I rather having a fucked up ankle all over again. I lost a bestfriend, I lost a social environment, but I guess the art of losing isn't supposed to be hard to master. But I guess I'm losing my mind. I'm super fuckinh high, I should be asleep for now. I wanna play some more, but I'm about to pass out. I have no idea how to get close to happiness, it seems impossible for someoen who liver nearly 30 years living like this. I hate my rucking past. I have nothing to write anymore. 

[1mo]

Diary #5 Reddit

Diary #5

I'm having a crisis over a crush over a stranger. Seriously, I pity myself. I despise my own behavior and feelings. It's low. It's miserable. It's sad.

I can't help it, I just act like an addict over love and I feel ugly, I feel unnatractive, I feel dirty. I hate having a body. I hate having a mind. All of my thoughts overwhelm me so much I just feel so exhausted. I feel so guilty over all of my actions and panic is eating me up. And threwing me out and then eating me again and so on. 

I don't think I can handle this situation, this state of mind without causing myself actual trouble. It also feels like absolutely anything I do (including nothing) will cause me trouble anyways. I feel so fucked up. Like my life is about to end. I'm just trying to lessen the damage. I'm terrible at this. I suck at being alive. I try and try and try but it's no use. I don't have value enough to feel loved or happy.

It's just how it is. If I was either born insane or just turned into this mess I don't know but maybe it doesn't make a difference anymore. I can't be healed. Mostly because I'd need someone to do it and no one will do the job. No one will access me or care about me. I'm to broken for being able to be seen. This makes me so fucking sad.

I need love. I need love. I need love. I'm drowning in desperation. Idk what to do. It aches.

[3mo?]

Diary #4 Reddit

Diary #4

I'm going insane. I don't know how to explain to people what I'm going through and seeking for help feels like a heinous crime.

I feel needy. It's pathetic. I wanna have important feelings. I wanna have important events in my life, and tasks and value. I have fear, cowardice, envy, disgust, and this loneliness that swallows me bit by bit. I'm a pit of dirt and useless garbage that keeps getting older and older. I keep repeating that I'm trying but I feel the darkness in my blood and the yelling is about to come out. If they hear my voice, they're doomed. It's a poisonous sound that echoes shattering souls apart. I keep screaming inside myself until my ears bleed. I don't wanna hurt anyone. But I really do. I'm just trying not to. Trying trying trying. Always trying. How long will this hell take? Is it the pills? Is it me? Will I ever feel good? Did I ever in the past?

Is it all a lie? Happiness, love, hope? 

I don't want the answer

I just need it to stop hurting

Before I start MAKING it hurt

Like the old times 

[5mo]

Diary #3 Reddit

Diary #3

I feel so fucking lonely.

I feel away from my friends.

I haven't dated in years.

I miss sex. I miss kissing. I miss hugs.

Speaking to people is giving me headaches because when I do I speak so much and so loud that it feels like I'm about to go nuts.

The lack of social interaction is murdering me by slow poisoning, and I don't know how to save myself.

I'm fucking drowning. I need help.

I need help.

I'm obsessed over one addiction after the other.

I just have to keep doing the bare minimum not to kill myself.

Everyone bores me.

Everyone annoys me.

Everything suffocates me.

I don't know how to cope.

I need an actual person to be near me.

To know me.

To love me.

To take care of me.

To babysit me.

I need to be treated like Im 4.

Im hopeless, Im helpless. Idk what else to do. 

I feel so tired and so needy.

I feel so scared.

I don't wanna be alive anymore.

I just wanna be asleep and on drugs.

I wanna be somewhere else.

I wanna feel oxitocin.

I wanna feel safe, and happy.

I feel like Im going insane.

Im about to do something desperate and horrible and harmful again.

Im so fucking tired of acting like this.

Of feeling this pain.

The voices keep telling me it will only end when I end.

And if I want it to stop, I have to fucking stop my life. 

I have to kill myself.

I keep repeating that.

I have to kill myself.

All my hopes were murdered.

Nothing else makes sense anymore.

Only pain and death.

I have to kill myself.

It won't go away

The sentence

The thought 

The ideation

I have to kill myself

Im scared to talk about it

It doesnt feel real

It doesnt seem to be me

Someone inside my head

Is trying to kill me

It isnt me

So that's what scares me the most

They got real close many many times

I dont know how to stop them

They cannot handle the pain

They are trying to solve the issues that I cant

I have to kill myself 

They said I must

Like a caring parent that puts you to sleep

For protection

For true love

[5mo]

Diary #2 Reddit

Diary #2

I feel like I'm not supposed to be talking to my best friends. I wish I was writing this in portuguese instead of english but I guess that way no one would read it. 

I have been learning on narcissistic/psychopath behavior to survive. Being selfish, manipulative, ignore people's feelings. I feel like I have been told to act like that my entire life. I never wished to be this way but I have come to a place in time and space where I feel like this is my only choice. 

I live with a mom that sabotages me. All the time. Everything I do. All of my accomplishments come with her touch of destruction. I wish I could I say I'm always expecting for it, but somehow she manages to still surprise me and harm me in ways I would never expect her to. I don't know how she does it. Or why exactly. I have theories but they don't really make sense to me.

I have a huge migraine dear god. I hate migraines.

But that's the whole point, the issue. 

The thing is that I have to make a huge money-wise decision and I have been struggling over what should I do. How much ethic should I keep? How much is it necessary to restrain my selfishness so she won't figure out what I'm doing and therefore delay my healing once more? I'm already aching over my first decision. It feels wrong. I'm scared and kinda desperate. I wanted parents. 

I wanted someone to cuddle me and baby me and say that I am safe, everything will be fine with a soothing voice tone. I wanna babycry to someone while they calm me down. Feels so strange to even talk about it. Why do I not have the privilege to experience parents affection? Love? I feel so abandoned and lonely. I wish I'd just... feel less pain

Literally. My back aches, my head aches, my knee aches, my ankle aches. I just wanna stop feeling pain all the time. My neck hates me at this point. I have been sleeping terribly. I feel too exhausted to even try to be mindful about my friends. Idk what I'm doing. I just wanna rest. I _need_ to rest. But I can't. Not even sleeping I'm able to rest. I need help.

No one will give me.

I'm alone.

I have always been alone.

I don't think that'll ever change. 

:c

[5mo]

Diary #1 Reddit

Diary #1

I don't think anyone will read this, but. I don't know where to interact with people. I feel lonely and scared. I don't know what topics to search for, what to talk about, what social media to use. I feel lost, so goddamn lost in life as a whole. It's like I'm supposed to have been in so many classes that I've missed and I got to a point where I'm about to fail the whole year at school. I feel like I'm 11. Always 11. Like I'm trapped there. There's something about this number that feels odd. 2011 I was about 15 but I still felt like 11. So many of my past doesn't make sense.

Today I have come to the conclusion that my perception of time may have never been linear. I perceive time as a net. Sometimes connected, sometimes with huge gaps, and I can go to many different directions at the same time. It's hard to explain. I feel like I am living my 11 self right now and I'm going back in the past, but also stuck in an endless present, a day that never ends. The hours go as seconds and the seconds pass as days. I feel like my brain is melting. Has it always been like that? Many times in my life I knew my exact future so there's also that. When it happened it felt like a dejavu. Now my future looks blank. As if something's missing. I am confused. My past is all scrumbled like a tiny village after an earthquake. 

I need help. Serious help. I feel like I'm drowning. The kind words of people cannot reach me anymore. They are of no use. I need to be loved, I need an effective help. I need support. I need to have parents, or anyone that truly cares about me. I'm tired of living a life no one's willing to try to save. I cannot risk anything to save myself if I don't have any backup. If I make one mistake I'm dead. There's no insurance.

I'm exhausted of living like this is my last breath every single second of my existance. I can't rest. I can't sleep. I have been crushing my teeth when my eyes close; when they're open. I have been trying to chew on them. It hurts. My spine hurts as if I have been stabbed and the knife had been twisted inside my back. I feel so suffocated that I can't stop pressuring myself into solving this chaos, but I don't know _how_.

And I keep listening that I am worthless and that I'm not doing anything.

I am worthless. 

I am not doing anything.

_Why am I still here?_

I need a break. 

I wanna feel happy again. 

Did I ever feel anything but agony?

Is happiness a real thing?

I can't handle this silent drowning anymore. 

It's starting to crush all the other parts of my body.

I want to scream.

I am alone

I have no hope

I have no help

I need some sleep

Maybe it will be better tomorrow...

Probably not, but what other choice do I have?

[6mo]