Diary #3 Reddit

Diary #3

I feel so fucking lonely.

I feel away from my friends.

I haven't dated in years.

I miss sex. I miss kissing. I miss hugs.

Speaking to people is giving me headaches because when I do I speak so much and so loud that it feels like I'm about to go nuts.

The lack of social interaction is murdering me by slow poisoning, and I don't know how to save myself.

I'm fucking drowning. I need help.

I need help.

I'm obsessed over one addiction after the other.

I just have to keep doing the bare minimum not to kill myself.

Everyone bores me.

Everyone annoys me.

Everything suffocates me.

I don't know how to cope.

I need an actual person to be near me.

To know me.

To love me.

To take care of me.

To babysit me.

I need to be treated like Im 4.

Im hopeless, Im helpless. Idk what else to do. 

I feel so tired and so needy.

I feel so scared.

I don't wanna be alive anymore.

I just wanna be asleep and on drugs.

I wanna be somewhere else.

I wanna feel oxitocin.

I wanna feel safe, and happy.

I feel like Im going insane.

Im about to do something desperate and horrible and harmful again.

Im so fucking tired of acting like this.

Of feeling this pain.

The voices keep telling me it will only end when I end.

And if I want it to stop, I have to fucking stop my life. 

I have to kill myself.

I keep repeating that.

I have to kill myself.

All my hopes were murdered.

Nothing else makes sense anymore.

Only pain and death.

I have to kill myself.

It won't go away

The sentence

The thought 

The ideation

I have to kill myself

Im scared to talk about it

It doesnt feel real

It doesnt seem to be me

Someone inside my head

Is trying to kill me

It isnt me

So that's what scares me the most

They got real close many many times

I dont know how to stop them

They cannot handle the pain

They are trying to solve the issues that I cant

I have to kill myself 

They said I must

Like a caring parent that puts you to sleep

For protection

For true love

[5mo]